The Friendzone
Editor’s Note : The views expressed below are not my own. We continue the guest posts series with @Nasylum’s take on the dreaded Friendzone. Enjoy.
Seeing people lament about the friendzone as if it is some punishment meted out unfairly or straight up curse the evil beings who dare classify them as “just a friend” is a source of great annoyance for me. Apparently, once someone is nice (in their opinion, let’s get that straight) to you and willing to do sweet or considerate things for you even when you do not ask, you become obligated to partner up with them or at the very least, “dash out” (that is, have the sex. Yes, I said “the sex”. It’s how I talk. Deal”. I do not want to tell you that you are a self-entitled individual who really is not ready for a relationship with a human being besides yourself so I won’t. But you are. Oops, I told you. The first step is acceptance. You’re welcome. Now let’s move on to helping you on the road to recovery.
The Relationship, The Ex and Stuff
An “ex” is a very curious thing to have. Personally, I never know what to do with them or how to relate to them. This is puzzling, considering months, or years before, I had shared a life, my body and my “love” with this person. For some of us, that estranged ex was once the centre of our world, some of us may have even forsaken friends and family for that person. Some of us may even have excessively sweet stories to tell. Stories of intrigue and romance. That first smile, first kiss, first time the penis was made to know the vagina (or whatever variation of that meeting you may engage in).
Domestic Violence : “If Him Nuh Beat Mi Him Nuh Love Mi”
There are few things that disturb me more than hearing or seeing a grown woman being beaten by a man. This morning I was privy to one such situation. Besides hearing the actual slaps, and things crashing and smashing; the thing that disturbed me most was the still and quiet voice of the 3 year old boy pleading with his father, “stop hitting Mommy!”.
The Wife vs The Prostitute : What’s The Difference?
Last year I did a Philosophy course titled “The Philosophy of Sex and Love”. The course sought to explore philosophical theories on sex and love and the function of these two things in human existence. The class was basically an excuse to be sexually explicit in an academic setting. The subject matter ranged from oral sex, to homosexuality, to beastiality, to masturbation, to pornography. Just to name a few. I encourage all final year UWI students to register for this course. Very informative and insightful, and did I mention slack? Yes, very slack.
Anyhow, one of the theories we explored in the course was that of a wife being no different from a prostitute. Armed with this knowledge, I ventured into the deep as I wrote “The Confessions of a Whore”, and suggested that girlfriends and wives were really not that different from prostitutes. The backlash from my female readers was overwhelming.
#RelationshipKillers
Lately I’ve been suffering from a severe case of writer’s block and I find that my inspiration to write is now more often than not informed by Twitter and her trends. This tells me that those of you who think I should take up writing in some professional capacity are wrong. I’m really not that talented; I need to be on a “hottaz” JUTC A/C yellow bus (Yes, I know. I’m a hottaz) or logged in to Twitter for inspiration to flow. Well, generally anyway.
Anyhow, as I read the tweets which my learned followers offered as recipes for killing a relationship, I began wondering if we’re really that shallow or if it is indicative of a “new age” understanding of relationships, where sex and love are intertwined and any separation usually ruins the relationship. That is, can you be in a relationship without sex? And alternately, can you be in a relationship without love? Or do the two complement each other? And if one exists without the other, is the relationship less fulfilling?
Valentine’s Day : Cheers to the Single, Bitter and Lonely People
So it’s February 14th again. The day of love & hugs & kisses & rainbows & a fat little fairy named cupid; the one day when relationships should go right and the stars and moon must align for love (gags). A man is expected to be the knight in shining armour and the woman is expected to be showered with gifts and adored as a princess.
However, this hasn’t been the case today. Instead, single people all across BBM, Twitter, Facebook.. Hell, even Hi5 & MySpace, have joined forces to declare war on love and particularly on Valentine’s Day. The posts and status changes are all bitter rants of single people, devastated at love lost and seeking to rain on everybody else’s parade and I’m thinking STFU and get over it.
1. It isn’t our fault you’re single.
2. Being single doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate love.
3. If you were in a relationship, you’d glorify the day.
So I’m thinking is just badmind. You’re badminded and bitter because no one wants you. Orrrrrr you’re mad at the world because some unknown guy/girl from some long forgotten time in history broke your heart. Well, boo wooo. Suck it the hell up and move on. Stop being a grinch.
Even if you can’t get the roses and chocolate and the much anticipated valentine’s day sex, you can still celebrate the love of your family, the love of your friends, the love of that creepy stalker on Twitter or FB. Something! Just stop being so bitter. It doesn’t help your case. You and I know that once you all fall in love again, your views will change about valentine’s day and it will be the perfect day for you then. So here’s to you… I love you all. Cheers to the single, bitter and lonely people all across the world. Happy Valentine’s Day!! ^_^
Mr. Editor
GRASSROOTS JAMAICA 