The Friendzone

Editor’s Note : The views expressed below are not my own. We continue the guest posts series with @Nasylum’s take on the dreaded Friendzone. Enjoy.

Seeing people lament about the friendzone as if it is some punishment meted out unfairly or straight up curse the evil beings who dare classify them as “just a friend” is a source of great annoyance for me. Apparently, once someone is nice (in their opinion, let’s get that straight) to you and willing to do sweet or considerate things for you even when you do not ask, you become obligated to partner up with them or at the very least, “dash out” (that is, have the sex. Yes, I said “the sex”. It’s how I talk. Deal”. I do not want to tell you that you are a self-entitled individual who really is not ready for a relationship with a human being besides yourself so I won’t. But you are. Oops, I told you. The first step is acceptance. You’re welcome. Now let’s move on to helping you on the road to recovery.

This may come as a shock to you but in a world where polygamy is not the (official) choice of the majority, where people like to test out their options rather than pick the first person they come in contact with, a varying but not singular number of individuals will get turned down when vying for the affections of one because that one person is only looking for ONE partner. This therefore means that the “friendzone” is inevitable for many of us at some point in our lives and you are not the sole unlucky person because the guy or girl who you want to hump and whatever else does not wish to engage in sexual pelvic exercises with you. With that said, you really need to get over it.

Now, there’s a chance you want more than just sex or a chance at seeing where something goes with this person- you may very well care deeply for them. I understand that this sucks (and not in the good way) and it is not so easy to get over. But this is also a part of life and courting/mating and no one ever died of a broken heart. I heard an elephant did but elephants are not classified as people so my point remains. I get that this may be the love of your life THUS FAR and you cannot fathom getting past this place and even worse, to a place where you could love someone else. For you, I recommend a healthy dose of self-love. Why would you want to be with someone who does not return your romantic feelings? Why are you dwelling on the unreturned love from another when you should be using that energy to heal? Be sad, yes. Throw yourself that pity party. Just don’t overstay your welcome. It’s pathetic and it is not reflective of a person who feels they are worthy of love and if you do not feel you are worthy of the kind of love you can dish out, why would this person feel you are? Buy some self-help books, watch some YouTube videos and scream, cry, and fight (figuratively) your way out of this funk.

“But WHY did I get friendzoned (again)? You don’t understand. This happens all the time, Nas. And I feel like they say they want someone sweet and generous and when they get that, they overlook it” I’m glad you brought that up. I would like to pose some thoughts I would like for you to dwell on- just consider them for a moment or two.

• There’s a chance you were not as nice as you thought you were. You may very well have come off as annoying with your unwanted “help” or “sweetness”. Bless your heart if it was in the right place but many of you did these sweet things with an end goal in mind rather than to genuinely do something sweet for someone and you are exactly the type of people who tend to overdo such acts because you THINK that’s what you are supposed to be doing. Pay attention to HOW your acts of kindness are received.
• Maybe the person is vulnerable when they accept your affections and once they leave that vulnerable place, they are simply not as receptive as you would like. You can’t fault someone completely for this because not everyone knows when they are using people in this manner. And you also have to be mindful of the emotional and mental state of this individual you are dedicating your time to. Some of you damn well know the person is vulnerable and you swoop in to try and take advantage and then get mad when your plans don’t work out. You ain’t right and you know it. If you keep getting mixed signals (someone is moody or hot and cold all the time), take a hint. Bounce before it’s too late. Don’t get mad and/or bide your time ‘til they come around. Pay attention to WHEN your acts of kindness are received.
• There’s a great chance that while you are nice and sweet and blah blah, you lack other qualities that that person values in a partner (YOU MAY BE HELLA BORING). That is not something to gripe about. People are allowed to have preferences and they are allowed to pick, choose and refuse. Once someone is honest with you, be grateful and move on. Don’t you dare get mad or, even worse, get stupid** and blame it on being rejected.
• If you have never been the rejecter and always the rejected, I understand why you would be bitter. However, I say that this would call for some introspection after a while. 1) Maybe you need to work on some traits that would make you more attractive to a partner or eliminate some traits that are making you unattractive. I’m not saying to change yourself but I kind of am. If you plan to make a significant change about yourself, the person inspiring that change should be you unless you want to risk resenting the person for whom you made this change. If someone else inspires you to change for the better, great but if you change who you are just so you are different rather than better because you wish to be who you think they want, that’s a recipe for disaster. 2) Maybe you need to look at the kind of people you find attractive or partner-worthy. Maybe, just maybe you are limiting yourself with your “ideal” mate and maybe this type of person just does not mesh with the type of person you are. You have to be honest with yourself when doing this introspection. Otherwise, you’ll repeat this cycle and will indeed be #ForeverAlone or if not that, you’ll be #ForeverUnhappy. We don’t want that, do we?
• Finally, sometimes it’s just bad timing. They are not at a place in their lives where they are ready for a partner or ready for you specifically. That’s fine too.  You are now able to either frolic with someone else or multiple someone else’s J or if you are bent on settling down, you now are able to cross one person off your list and continue on your journey to requited love.

Just an FYI, no one forces anyone into the friendzone. You are free to leave at any point in time. If it is too much to bear being friends with someone you are deeply attracted to and/or for whom you have intense emotional feelings, be honest with yourself and them and cut ties even if only temporarily. If you decide to endure the “sweet torture” because of some twisted sense of romance or because you are just waiting for them to see the light, please do this quietly as you have made the choice to withstand the suffering. Don’t let innocent bystanders like me have to suffer too by having to listen to your sad or angry words. In the words of the great orator, Sweet Brown- “Ain’t Nobody Got Time Fah Dat”.

Much love (yeah, it’s all requited n ish),

Nas 🙂