Best News & Current Affairs Blog (2011 & 2012) and Jamaican Blogger of the Year (2011) at The Jamaica Blog Awards.

The Twitter Laws


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Whereas there is a social media platform known as “Twitter”, and whereas there is a significant amount of Jamaicans on said platform; and being that there is the tendency for huge disagreements and arguments to start; and consequently people get their feelings hurt; and whereas there is no standard set for the use of Twitter; be it resolved that we, Jamaicans, so gathered, hereby adopt this blog post as our  governing law. Be it further resolved that any breach in the law shall be met with strict teasing and ridicule.

(1) Section One : Twitter Handles & Twitcons.

(A) Thou shall not have a Twitter handle or Twitcon which solicits, invites or otherwise suggests that you want sex, if that is not the case.

(B) Thou shall not have a Twitter handle which defies ordinary logic. That is, all Twitter handles must be a recognised and accepted language.

(C) Thou shall not photoshop or picnik one’s twitcon so as to appear better looking than one really is.

(D) Thou shall not expect to be treated like a person if your followers have never seen a face pic of you.

(E) Thou shall not have an ambiguous handle and twitcon and proceed to engage in flirting or conversations about interactions between both sexes unless it is clearly stated in ur bio or previous tweets what sex one is and what team one plays for.

(2) Section Two : Jokes & Subtweets.

(A) Thou shall not extend the life of a joke beyond 24hours.  That is, thou shall not OD.

(B) Thou shall not, unless absolutely necessary, share Twitter jokes with another community (Facebook, BBM, Hi5, MySpace, Tagged).

(C) Thou shall not subtweet someone and ask them to stop subtweeting you.

(D) Thou shall not claim to be a badman/gyal and subtweet. Thou shall grow some balls and mention the person.

(3) Section Three : Sex & DMs.

(A) Thou shall NOT have sex with more than five (5) followers in a given month.

(B) Thou shall not carry penis or vagina feelings. That is, thou shall not unfollow someone because they do not wish to have sex with you.

(C) Thou shall not claim to be a freak for attention.

(D) Thou shall not DM someone and request sex, unless the person has so invited you or given reasonable cause to believe they want the penis or vagina.

(E) Thou shall ask for a BBM PIn, phone number or Email address if one intends to solicit sex.

(F) Thou shall not have sex with a follower unless you have seen at least 5 twitcons of the person.

(4) Section Four : Spelling Errors, Teasing & Trolling.

(A) Thou shall have a basic knowledge of the English Language before signing up for Twitter.

(B) Thou shall be proficient (Grade 1) in General English A, B & Communication Studies before calling anyone ugly, dunce, fat or gay.

(C) Thou shall not tease anyone that they are ugly if you are not absolutely sure you are goodlooking.

(D) Thou shall not troll simply to get attention or followers.

(E) Thou shall not form groups or assemblies for the sole purpose of teasing, unless as punishment for breaching one of these laws.

(F) Thou shall not tease homosexuals or bowaz if one takes it up the butt, sexes the butt or eats vagina or swallows penis.

(5) Section Five : Self Importance & Hype.

(A) Thou shall not consider yourself better than anyone else because you attend parties, have clothes or other material possessions.

(B) Thou shall not boast about material possessions or party tickets obtained illegally, by selling your body or other shameful means.

(C) Thou shall not argue with anyone unless you have in excess of 10,000 tweets and in excess of 100 followers.

(D) Thou shall not collect followers to boost self importance.

(E) Thou shall not argue with anyone if you have less than 500 followers and less than 5000 tweets. Your opinion is invalid.
————————————————————————————————

Amendments : To make amendments, simply comment and add your amendment to one of the five (5) categories.

Ratification : This document shall be considered ratified if at least 100 Jamaican Tweeters sign their Twitter handle in the comments section below.

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55 responses

  1. :O

    ‘N that’s how I know I was not meant to use Twitter! runs to Google search to look up twitter handle among other phrases… Like the format you’ve written! Sounds like a lot of persons need some jail time! Wonder what I’m guilty of!

    February 20, 2012 at 4:39 pm

  2. Shelly

    Sign- @shayshay876

    February 20, 2012 at 4:50 pm

  3. Raheem

    @_Ryuujin

    February 20, 2012 at 4:50 pm

  4. GR

    (y)

    February 20, 2012 at 4:53 pm

  5. mz_KARizma

    I, the one and only @mz_KARizma, ratifies these laws and wish to make my confidence in them be known.

    For far too long we’ve allowed people to run with undignified behaviour on this social media platform. Take for example the use of photoshop to enhance one’s image, it is a blatant disrespect to followers – Notwithstanding the fact that his/her face may be disrespectful without photoshop #Sorrows

    I therefore stand by this bill of conduct and pass them into law.

    Hey, follow me!!! 😀

    February 20, 2012 at 5:03 pm

  6. jessica

    Love the blog …. Sorry these rules can’t be made official lol

    February 20, 2012 at 5:03 pm

  7. Alecia

    Ratified – @DeAliness.
    U igle nuh raas buh what the heck lol

    February 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm

  8. shawntau

    @_MzShawni3_

    February 20, 2012 at 5:09 pm

  9. jeezas god!!! amen amen amen!!!! *gets in spirit* cosign cosign cosign!!!

    February 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

  10. @kadeemRo

    February 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm

  11. nicole porter

    I second this …… @nixx_naxx

    February 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm

  12. Jae Nelson

    @jaevionn

    February 20, 2012 at 5:22 pm

  13. -_-

    Amen Amen Amen
    Especially for the unfollow bout sex ……………………
    Thou shall not argue with persons on twitter if they always getting beat up in person
    Thou shall not talk about people life style if theirs is no much better
    Thou shall not come on twitter bashing an ex after a break up
    Thou shall not criticize who a person dating

    February 20, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    • David

      Agreed about not bashing an ex after a break up

      Also thou shall keep their relationships and its problems off twitter …

      February 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

  14. David

    @Danja1187

    February 20, 2012 at 5:29 pm

  15. Thou shall not post Screen Munches of personal BBM/Whatsapp conversations!

    Thou shall not constantly dish out relationship advice if you are single and have no intention of being in a relationship/ are too ugly/stupid/disgusting to be wanted for a relationship.

    February 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm

  16. Brandon

    @brandonallwood

    February 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

  17. Brandon

    Thou shalt not get upset if someone does not want to follow you or does not accept your follow request if said user has a private profile.

    February 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

  18. Freddy

    @_Fr3ddy

    I agree with all and would like to add couple more.

    Thou shall not ‘carry feelings’ because you were unfollowed.

    Thou shall not tweet quotes you found via google, as your own.

    February 20, 2012 at 5:52 pm

  19. thacondition

    Thought shalt not steal people tweets and post them as your own.

    February 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

  20. BellaDonna

    Cosign::: @MzBellaDonna_

    February 20, 2012 at 5:56 pm

  21. thacondition

    Thou shalt not tweet thy BB Pin, Skype Address and Phone Number in an effort to seek friends.

    February 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm

  22. @MsTanyaMari Hereby cosigns all the above mentioned laws.

    February 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm

  23. Chevaun

    Sign :- @chevixter

    February 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

  24. Chaddie_

    @Chaddie_ !!

    One step closer to ratification.

    February 20, 2012 at 6:06 pm

  25. thacondition

    Thou shalt not tweet overused phrases such as “YOLO”, “I love it, I love it, I love it when you eat it” and “Fuck bitches. Get Money” after 3 months of their inception.

    February 20, 2012 at 6:06 pm

  26. @OhJaason

    Check out the comments for ammendments

    February 20, 2012 at 6:09 pm

  27. candizzle

    LOL love!!!! @candi_boo

    February 20, 2012 at 6:11 pm

  28. R.E.P

    @ruralelitepromo

    February 20, 2012 at 6:14 pm

  29. @Creamy_Crack3rz

    February 20, 2012 at 6:22 pm

  30. shauna

    @svan_camp approve

    February 20, 2012 at 7:12 pm

  31. upyours

    Fuckery mi do wa mi wa do wid my bumboclaat twitter who nuh like it don’t falla mi pussyole!!!

    February 20, 2012 at 9:47 pm

  32. @iking_corey_lfc

    Amen!

    February 20, 2012 at 11:50 pm

  33. Aye Aye! They should’ve thrown in “thou shall not change twitter handles excessively as this will confuse the fuck out of followers and may have the owner reported as Spam.” …Bills of Rights approved

    @SwadeDaVillain

    February 20, 2012 at 11:50 pm

  34. Oshane George

    Signed: @CallMeOshii

    February 20, 2012 at 11:51 pm

  35. Jo-Anna

    @Jo_Mari3

    February 20, 2012 at 11:58 pm

  36. Sally

    @SallyDiivaa

    I agree with this ish right here! 100%

    February 21, 2012 at 12:01 am

  37. Thou shall not put Teams in your bio if you do not meet the requirements of said teams..Example: do not state #TeamLightskin if you heavily use Cake soap or bleaching cream, #Teamfollowback for we might block you and report you as spam, #Team(insert artiste name) because we may think you are a groupie…

    Thou shall not beg followers…..If your timeline is filled with #NowFollowing #NF #Followback #TeamFollowBack #Autofollow etc etc…you will be blocked.

    Thou Shall not Twitpic, Lockerz, Yfrog etc…Yourself showing off money. Most likely that’s your school’s tuition/lunch money/parents’ money/rent/Someone else’s money

    February 21, 2012 at 12:05 am

  38. dona

    @babydonalee

    February 21, 2012 at 12:16 am

  39. Mr_Watkis

    Section 1: Thou shall not change change one twitter name more than once 8 every months, if this is breach followers have the right to unfollow immediately
    Section 5: Thou shall not complain that twitter is boring for your tweets are as fun as you are -__-

    I am in full agreement with the laws above- Signed Mr_Wakis

    February 21, 2012 at 12:19 am

  40. maybe this goes into the whole “freak for attention law” but… Thou shall not tweet that you horny/wanna suck/fuck etc etc…Most of us don’t care, and most likely we have a pepsi or a lil alcohol nearby to quench our personal thirst…

    Sub. Law… If you post said horny tweets, don’t complain about the dms and tweets you recieve from thirsty people after…YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING THIRSTY ATTENTION SEEKING PERSON!

    @SwadeDaVillain …(me done now..lol)

    February 21, 2012 at 12:42 am

  41. Ratified :::: @MzzKenishia

    Also, thou shall not leave thirst in another individual’s DM, then proceed to get boisterous on one’s public timeline when such thirst was neither accepted nor returned.

    February 21, 2012 at 1:42 am

  42. Rochelle Williams

    -@Doh_ROCHme. I second this.

    February 21, 2012 at 1:54 am

  43. Chevy Morgan

    I Chevy Morgan hereby afix my signature on the Twenty First day of February in the Two Thousand an twelfth year of our Lord (21/02/2012)

    x…. @OhLook_ItsChevy

    Stamped an Sealed

    February 21, 2012 at 12:23 pm

  44. @Ricaadoe

    February 21, 2012 at 12:32 pm

  45. (y) well done

    February 21, 2012 at 12:38 pm

  46. @uncensoredmind 🙂

    February 21, 2012 at 7:31 pm

  47. @corvedacosta

    February 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

  48. Nuh Reach 100 Yet ???
    =0
    SERIOUS Ish !

    Thou Shalt Not Complain About The Tweets Of Another User, For There Is A Working Unfollow Button On Every Medium Of Twitter .

    @TheOnlyRoss .

    February 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

  49. Shere

    @Rheyez_UrLevel

    February 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

  50. lateisha1100

    One step closer

    June 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

  51. Melzetta

    @Niquee_Zee
    I agree with this law and imma favourite the tweet that lead me here

    June 15, 2012 at 1:17 pm

  52. dj nexxus

    @superChilled3D_

    August 2, 2012 at 11:55 pm

  53. annessa

    So true!
    Signed: @anniiwilli

    August 3, 2012 at 12:10 am

  54. Warren :)

    @eediatwarren

    November 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

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