Best News & Current Affairs Blog (2011 & 2012) and Jamaican Blogger of the Year (2011) at The Jamaica Blog Awards.

“Morning Hood” and Pee’ing : The Raging Battle


Disclaimer :

The following post will speak about my morning erections and the difficulty they cause during pee’ing. If you’re homophobic, disgusted or otherwise threatened by hearing or reading about a penis and or pee’ing, close the tab.

According to The Urban Dictionary (yes, I’m quoting it), the term “morning wood” is a colloquialism which speaks to the phenomenon of penile erection following sleep, related to nocturnal penile tumescence. Calm down. I’m going to define “penile tumescence”.

Nocturnal penile tumescence (also known as “morning wood” or “morning glory”) is the spontaneous occurrence of an erection of the penis during sleep. All men without physiological erectile dysfunction experience this phenomenon, usually three to five times during the night. It typically happens during REM sleep.

No. I will not be defining REM sleep. Google it.

If you’re a guy, chances are you’ve had to contend with it; the raging (no pun intended) battle of morning wood. This morning I woke up and needed to pee and there, raging in all it’s morning glory, was the “hood”/”wood”. I lay there thinking about dead puppies, the JLP and the war in Afghanistan, willing my mind to “kill” ‘Lil Ricky’. After about 15 minutes of this, I realised I was waging a losing battle against my raging “hood”/”wood”, especially since I started wondering if the dead puppies have souls or if they really become clouds (my little brother told me that). Anyhow, I decided to brave it and get to the bathroom and pee.

Now you have to understand that there are two major obstacles along my path to the bathroom :

1. An inquisitive and oddly uncensored grandmother : “what a way yuh buddy get big” ๐Ÿ˜ NOT COOL GRANDMA! NOT COOL! (-_-)

ย Wait, did I just indirectly suggest that I have a large penis? Go me. Karen, be quiet. Don’t even think of saying anything. Ladies, see the “Disclaimer” tab, I have an email address there if you want to contact me ๐Ÿ™‚ but I digress.

2. The morning “hood”/ “wood” itself. What do I do with it? Do I just let it hang out? How do I hide it? I recently perfected the art of doing this. Simply point it upwards and out of the waistband of your underwear or shorts and then allow the waistband of your undies to strap it to your belly, then throw on a shirt. Problem solved.

Having overcome all those obstacles, and made it to the bathroom, the hard (pun intended) work begins. The actual pee’ing. It is never cool to miss and despite my best effort to aim, it usually gets everywhere. I swear the toilet water needs a bullseye. The problem is further compounded if you have a curve. Let me just tell you, it is NOT easy to bend my stiff and rigid penis when it has made up it’s mind to pee in one direction. Wait, or is it it’s head? In any case, my stubborn and inflexible penis caused me hell! (-_-)

Anyway, in an attempt to find remedies to the problem, I asked Twitter and I received three answers that I think are practical :

1. Sit and Pee. ๐Ÿ˜

I know, it sounds odd, laughable even; but hey, I guess it would work and it sure beats having to wipe up the pee once you’ve shot every other object in that bathroom except the bowl. So I suppose you sit and point the penis downward into the water and pee. Though I’m not sure how that works if it’s rigid and leans to one side ๐Ÿ˜ and additionally you have to be a pretty confident and masculine man to sit and pee and still feel even remotely straight. Therefore, I’m advising that only the very confident attempt this sitting and pee’ing thing.

2. Kneel and Pee. ๐Ÿ˜

I know, I laughed out loud too. However, if you’re kneeling, then there’s a greater chance the pee ends up in the bowl and not on the seat, in the shower, above the toilet, all over the floor, or on your feet. Imagining it is hilarious! It makes sense in theory though.

3. Lift the Toilet Seat. ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know if this suggestion is really workable, since you would still need to have exceptional aim and the ability to “aim and medz fi piss inna di mawning”, according to another of my followers.

ย Any other suggestions?

The Downward Dog.

ย Ladies, I know you’re reading and smirking right now but it is not funny. It is a serious problem. You should dedicate your life to researching how to alleviate the problem for us men. Don’t laugh at us, help us. I’ve always wanted to ask though, since we men wake up with morning “hood”/”wood”, do you ladies wake up with “morning clit”? and if you do, how do you get rid of it? ๐Ÿ˜ That sounds like an equation for masturbation. Am I right or am I right?

I’d really appreciate an answer, forgive my ignorance.

Anyhow, I’m done. Morning “hood”/”wood” is the work of the devil!

Morning Wood + Pee’ing = Total Chaos.

ย ***The pictures of tweets made are the property of the author, having sought and gained approval from those who made the tweets.

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38 responses

  1. Me

    Too f-ing funny! Just pee in the tub/shower and spray with Lysol. Silly boys!

    June 13, 2011 at 11:12 am

    • LOL! That’s a good suggestion!

      June 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

  2. Blaccandy

    I feel so sorry for you guys, it is really not funny.. I don’t know if some females get the morning clit but I don’t..

    June 13, 2011 at 11:26 am

    • Thanks for your sympathy hun, we appreciate it ๐Ÿ™‚

      June 13, 2011 at 11:53 am

  3. THIS BLOG IS HILARIOUS YOW!
    But yea. I normally just pee in the shower and wash it out wid likkle soap powder / bleach.

    LMFAOOOO

    June 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

    • LMFAOOOO! “likkle soap powder / bleach” *dead*

      June 13, 2011 at 11:51 am

  4. Rohan

    Lol daug it shat!

    @RohanRob follow me Lol

    when Ricardo sii this comment him mus seh sittin

    June 13, 2011 at 11:31 am

    • LOL! Smh. Using the blog to get followers!

      June 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

  5. @FOXALOT_Will

    DWL!!! This is a problem almost every morning. The whole put my dick in the waist doesn’t always work cause this mother fucker seems to fight the shorts waist and push out same away….

    Yeah i’ve knelled down a few times before to pee lol…and a few times in the shower too

    ANOTHER obsticle i face is, it seems when im hard my Urinary tube or Urethra or whatever dem wah call it close up. Either i have to concentrate to pee, it comes out at lil streams at a time or the pressure LOW…lol

    June 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

    • This.comment.slayed.me!!!!!! LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO!!! “lil streams at a time or the pressure LOW…” iDied enuh! LMFAO! DIED! ๐Ÿ™‚

      June 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

  6. Good head is a simple solution to “morning hood/wood”. And thats if you have the tools. ๐Ÿ˜€

    June 13, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    • Alrite Mr. Gyalis. Early morning head to yuh ting!

      June 13, 2011 at 4:11 pm

  7. ThisDude

    So you don’t have a back yard? lol, You can go autopilot in u back yard innuh ^.^ … #NoHands
    Sitting down, isn’t cool, cuz then your penis may rub against the toilet bowl and thats just…
    Kneeling works though.. but u have to be very hands on.. But your blog killed me DWL!!

    June 13, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    • “Sitting down isn’t cool, cuz then your penis may rub against the toilet bowl and thats just…”
      LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO !!

      I’m gonna delete this post. I can’t with you yutes. DWL!

      June 13, 2011 at 4:13 pm

  8. Morning Wood is a very serious problem. Thank you Ricardo for addressing it in this, slightly humourous way.

    BTW – WHAT A WAY HAZEL A NOTICE YUH.

    Anyway, I myself have had this problem. To solve it, I have pee’d in my back yard, stand OVER the toilet and not in front of it. I tried sitting once. I was in Norway, and let’s just say the hotel maid wondered what went wrong.

    Ladies, please. If you wake up and see your man with Morning Wood. Please, be sympathetic to our cause. Climb on. You could be saving a life/a bathroom.

    June 13, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    • Brandon, I’m dead.

      I cannot possibly reply to anymore comments.

      You all are KILLING ME!

      June 13, 2011 at 4:24 pm

  9. WH

    To hell with it….i just lift the toilet seat and play deer hunting….smh..if it hits the the seat or the floor….i just pretend they were innocent bystanders and flee the scene….lool..i kid

    June 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

  10. OH YEAH. And it’s very… weird to sit. As someone else noted, your penis could touch the bowl. That’s just umm… Yeah. It’s not how you picture starting your day.

    June 13, 2011 at 4:22 pm

  11. LMFAOO ! Unnuh comments star.
    #ThatJahKnoMoment

    Anyways, the backyard thing is a Very Good Idea…

    But, I think the next time i have a “Morning Hood” I might try that Downward Dog position in the pic above.

    #JustSaying

    June 13, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    • I will NOT be liable if yuh drap and buss up yuh face enuh.

      #JustSaying.

      LOL!

      June 13, 2011 at 4:40 pm

  12. For me, I don’t face the peeing problem. Usually if you sit and wait for like half and hour after waking, it will go away on its own. My bathroom is in the middle of my parents’ and my room and I REALLY don’t want to go into there to have my mother or father see me attempting gymnastic feats with my daily morning urine passage. Not only will it be awkward afterwards (and during), mother WILL curse bloody Mary and her ancestors if I pissed all over the bathroom floor. Well, that’s just me =/

    June 13, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    • LOL! Yes, that would indeed be awkward.

      And then you’d have to wipe up the pee, making it even further awkward.

      June 13, 2011 at 4:47 pm

  13. TinyDivaNas

    Morning wood is a curse for men but an absolute gift for us women. Morning wood is proof that we need not be invested in u men’s personalities n feelings- we don’t even have to care if u’re awake. I’d suggest that ladies wake up a few minutes b4 their man and….relieve that pressure. Gift urselves, ladies. As for morning clit, nerp but seeing morning wood may induce the clitorial equivalent.
    Signed: Dr. Nas

    June 13, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    • Ladies take her advice, relieve that pressure!

      Preach Dr. Nas!

      Preach!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

      June 13, 2011 at 5:58 pm

  14. Carl-Anthony

    well, I have done the downward dog one though I didnt know it was thusly named…head touched the toilet water…the realisation my dick was in toilet water almost immediately “solved” my erection problem…I empathise with the curving and leaning, But thankfully Ive got a fair share of foreskin so some mornings its a buffer to the pressure and makes for a manageable stream…

    June 13, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    • “But thankfully Ive got a fair share of foreskin so some mornings its a buffer to the pressure and makes for a manageable stream…”

      LMFAO.

      Seriously, I’m going to delete this post. These comments are just hilarious!!! I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much on comments.

      Thanks for your thoughts Carl and thank heavens for the “fair share of foreskin”.

      June 13, 2011 at 7:38 pm

  15. Floydie

    This blog speaks truth y, real truth and it mayb funny to others but it really serious.

    I have tried the sitting one but as previous comments stated, when it touches the toilet it just have a crawny feeling yoo, not pleasing at all. And in reference to the “pee in the bath tub” i mainly do that when im showering and i feel like peeing. Does any male tho actually come out of the shower wet to pee in the toilet? That just seems weird tho.

    The one i do more often tho and is helpful yet “dangerous is kneeling . I say dangerous because i remember at the age of 16, i was half asleep and half awake “no hands” peeing freely and all and unfortunately the seat fell right ontop of it mayne. I finished peeing still but at that moment when the seat fell, i feel like i was crippled. So from ever since, i held the seat because ……….sigh……

    To to all the guys, which ever way you peeing, look out for hazard mayne, the simplest of things will hurt you.

    And to you Mr.Editor. You blog as always, Shell, brought back a painful memory ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ but it Shell.

    June 14, 2011 at 1:29 am

    • Oh wow! OUCH! >.<

      That's why I told Fagan I will not be liable for any damage caused if he attempts the downward dog and fails.

      No one likes a show off, LOL! That's why yรณu should always use hands. Don't try to be cool and let it all hang and flow out, that's clearly dangerous.

      Thanks for your thoughts as usual Floyd.

      June 14, 2011 at 8:40 am

  16. Jah know…serious problem fi real!! The outside comment can work if you;re at home and have a big back yard full a bush like me….. but what happens if you live in NYC?
    the siddung and pee ting only work when yu flacid cause is not even the touching like the shaft 3 inches or so over the front of the bowl.

    NOw the picture you used at the end could work …. I’ll try that one tomorrow…. hahahaa
    For me though I find that aiming from a particular tile with the right amount of push works everytime (well at ma house)

    Jah kno….goood post

    June 14, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    • LMAO! Thanks for your comments man.

      And I’m going to repeat, I will not be liable for any damage which occurs by attempting to do “The Downward Dog”.

      Lol!

      And I agree, the outdoor suggestion is only wise if you live in Jamaica and have a big bushy backyard.

      June 14, 2011 at 7:20 pm

  17. I find girls love morning woood more than any other

    June 14, 2011 at 7:11 pm

  18. Oats162

    Well, I actually like my morning wood, IRS a nice confidence boost in the morning. Peeing with it now, that’s another story -.-, whats worse is a more than average bend that makes it extra defiant.

    I tried all those, but I can’t bother pulling the dungeon doors to get to the backyard, What worked best was learning to read and follow your stream. After literally hitting everything but the bowl I learned how to bend and move with the pee, to be one with it. Position yourself, Don’t stand too close and try it out, you’ll get the feel of it as u try. May the flow be with you…

    June 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    • LOL! “..a nice confidence boost in the morning”.

      So I guess we have to study the pee. Get familiar with the curvature of our members and that will help us to manage in the mornings.

      Thanks for your comments man.

      And may the flow be with you too! LOL!

      June 15, 2011 at 6:33 pm

  19. I FINALLY got a chance to read this…. and can I just say….hahahaha.. **clears throat** OK, seriously, my advice to you.. LET YOUR GIRL HANDLE IT. It’s a beautiful sight to see in the mornings, like the Eiffel Tower, as a female, you just want to explore. Its a win-win situation…

    Oh!! And ur grandma is HILARIOUS!!!! looollll

    July 22, 2011 at 9:34 pm

  20. @BallaBbz

    Try pee’ing in the tub or shower u don’t realli need aim for that! Jus make sure u ‘rinse’ out the shower after

    November 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm

  21. Darius

    lol I have a urinal in my bathroom, so morning wood doesn’t pose a problem for me.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:43 am

  22. N.M.N

    Lol I would say women get morning dew.

    December 26, 2012 at 8:26 am

  23. Pingback: Morning Wood The SOLUTION (Hillarious) « kyngsufiiix

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