“Morning Hood” and Pee’ing : The Raging Battle
The following post will speak about my morning erections and the difficulty they cause during pee’ing. If you’re homophobic, disgusted or otherwise threatened by hearing or reading about a penis and or pee’ing, close the tab.
According to The Urban Dictionary (yes, I’m quoting it), the term “morning wood” is a colloquialism which speaks to the phenomenon of penile erection following sleep, related to nocturnal penile tumescence. Calm down. I’m going to define “penile tumescence”.
Nocturnal penile tumescence (also known as “morning wood” or “morning glory”) is the spontaneous occurrence of an erection of the penis during sleep. All men without physiological erectile dysfunction experience this phenomenon, usually three to five times during the night. It typically happens during REM sleep.
No. I will not be defining REM sleep. Google it.
If you’re a guy, chances are you’ve had to contend with it; the raging (no pun intended) battle of morning wood. This morning I woke up and needed to pee and there, raging in all it’s morning glory, was the “hood”/”wood”. I lay there thinking about dead puppies, the JLP and the war in Afghanistan, willing my mind to “kill” ‘Lil Ricky’. After about 15 minutes of this, I realised I was waging a losing battle against my raging “hood”/”wood”, especially since I started wondering if the dead puppies have souls or if they really become clouds (my little brother told me that). Anyhow, I decided to brave it and get to the bathroom and pee.
Now you have to understand that there are two major obstacles along my path to the bathroom :
1. An inquisitive and oddly uncensored grandmother : “what a way yuh buddy get big” 😐 NOT COOL GRANDMA! NOT COOL! (-_-)
Wait, did I just indirectly suggest that I have a large penis? Go me. Karen, be quiet. Don’t even think of saying anything. Ladies, see the “Disclaimer” tab, I have an email address there if you want to contact me 🙂 but I digress.
2. The morning “hood”/ “wood” itself. What do I do with it? Do I just let it hang out? How do I hide it? I recently perfected the art of doing this. Simply point it upwards and out of the waistband of your underwear or shorts and then allow the waistband of your undies to strap it to your belly, then throw on a shirt. Problem solved.
Having overcome all those obstacles, and made it to the bathroom, the hard (pun intended) work begins. The actual pee’ing. It is never cool to miss and despite my best effort to aim, it usually gets everywhere. I swear the toilet water needs a bullseye. The problem is further compounded if you have a curve. Let me just tell you, it is NOT easy to bend my stiff and rigid penis when it has made up it’s mind to pee in one direction. Wait, or is it it’s head? In any case, my stubborn and inflexible penis caused me hell! (-_-)
Anyway, in an attempt to find remedies to the problem, I asked Twitter and I received three answers that I think are practical :
1. Sit and Pee. 😐
I know, it sounds odd, laughable even; but hey, I guess it would work and it sure beats having to wipe up the pee once you’ve shot every other object in that bathroom except the bowl. So I suppose you sit and point the penis downward into the water and pee. Though I’m not sure how that works if it’s rigid and leans to one side 😐 and additionally you have to be a pretty confident and masculine man to sit and pee and still feel even remotely straight. Therefore, I’m advising that only the very confident attempt this sitting and pee’ing thing.
2. Kneel and Pee. 😐
I know, I laughed out loud too. However, if you’re kneeling, then there’s a greater chance the pee ends up in the bowl and not on the seat, in the shower, above the toilet, all over the floor, or on your feet. Imagining it is hilarious! It makes sense in theory though.
3. Lift the Toilet Seat. 🙂
I don’t know if this suggestion is really workable, since you would still need to have exceptional aim and the ability to “aim and medz fi piss inna di mawning”, according to another of my followers.
Any other suggestions?
Ladies, I know you’re reading and smirking right now but it is not funny. It is a serious problem. You should dedicate your life to researching how to alleviate the problem for us men. Don’t laugh at us, help us. I’ve always wanted to ask though, since we men wake up with morning “hood”/”wood”, do you ladies wake up with “morning clit”? and if you do, how do you get rid of it? 😐 That sounds like an equation for masturbation. Am I right or am I right?
I’d really appreciate an answer, forgive my ignorance.
Anyhow, I’m done. Morning “hood”/”wood” is the work of the devil!
Morning Wood + Pee’ing = Total Chaos.
***The pictures of tweets made are the property of the author, having sought and gained approval from those who made the tweets.